Unconditional Love

Last week, I learned something deep the hard way. I don't think there was any other path to learning this for me, and here, I have to smile, because I wonder how many other times in my life I could say that. :)

Tuesday, Trinidad and I had a conflict in the morning. I did not feel at all well to begin with, and perhaps Trinidad was coming down with the cold, too. Not sure. I refrain from sharing details of the conflict as they are not part of the point I'd most like to make, but the end had me sobbing and telling him that I took responsibility for my feelings and needs and did not blame him. It was mighty difficult for me to get to this point in this particular challenge, and I said it loudly through tears to convince myself as much as him. With his usual aplomb, Trinidad told me he could not understand me just yet -- could I come back when I wasn't crying so hard?

When we fully reconnected, there was much sweetness in our snuggle. But it wasn't over yet. At midday, Trinidad refused to leave a friend's house. Fresh in my mind sat the process I'd worked through just hours ago. I reached past my trigger into my heart and found the space to hold his disappointment and grief at the separation happening as his friend left. We sat together again for awhile.

An hour or two later, Trinidad grew angry (with his brother? with the world? I don't remember....) and I again easily found the key to open my heart as the softness threatened to withdraw. I invited him to a snuggle. We talked later about a plan in case of one of these challenges coming up again when his last playdate of the afternoon happened. We agreed to both wear "Pause" buttons (figuratively), to match his Tamagotchi.

At the end of that playdate, a three-year-old informed me that Trinidad was on the roof. I demanded he come down and he demanded that he would stay up. I called "Pause." We both stopped moving and a shift in our energy and approach could be measured. Trinidad started telling me about his experience. I requested he get down to tell me more, and he declined. I heard him some, but was still challenged by my concern for the two other children wanting to join him, perched at the top of the fig tree. They climbed down. Trinidad agreed to come down if I got the ladder.

I fetched the ladder and my son. As a child, when in trouble, I would go and sit alone on the curbside and study the concrete garden of dandelion and plantain. As Trinidad joined me on the driveway, I found myself turning to the street, walking with him hand in hand to sit at the curbside. As he leaned against me, we both gave each other empathy and really listened to the needs unmet. We found strategies that worked for both of us to meet those needs in future.

But most importantly, we ended the day connected. I can't imagine what our relationship might have been like if I had used force, threats, and punishment at each of the junctures that challenged us. I cannot see my life in that at all. As I lay beside him at bedtime for awhile, Trinidad held me close and told me over and over how much he loved me. I asked him if he felt all the more tender for the challenges we'd worked out together.

"Yes!" he said. "And Maddy and I worked out MORE things when you were gone tonight!" Trinidad glowed. The deep feeling of unconditional love struck me. The opening of my heart over and over, a fierce determination to keep those gates open to love -- the feeling settled deeper in me than I have ever known it. How could I know this territory without constant challenge and opportunity? Without a shared commitment to caring for one another? Without working and working and working it out?

And here's the bonus gift: Sam, too, took in the depth of this love, this hope for acceptance and deep peace even in challenge. He hugged me often throughout the day and observed aloud but out of Trinidad's hearing that he noticed his brother's triggers and was seeking to stay out of the way. He appeared to be unafraid of both Trinidad and me (beyond my early morning explosion into sobbing), but breathed deeply with what I guess was relief to see his brother held with such care even in conflict and distress. Witnessing his blossoming in this way is a gift I am so very grateful to receive.

Did I mention... that I was dead tired at the end of the day?