Setting sail

"If you want to build a ship, don't drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea." --Antoine de St. Exupery

Last night, my ongoing parenting practice/support group (NVC) met and had a process about process meeting. Tension had arisen the week before, and we had worked through it on the spot, but it raised questions that I had not given time to before: what are our intentions as a group? What is the ratio of strategy to process they are wanting? How can I best support them?

I had been holding an assumption that we were NVC process-oriented, and indeed, the group concurred when asked to set a conscious intention. But something big happened for me, and the group feels it, too.

I have taken all of these folks through a 6-8 week series "introducing" NVC in the context of parenting, and each class was full of teaching and practice. In these "intermediate" classes, I have taken a more relaxed approach, modeling the practices of empathy and expression in the moment and in respect to role play using challenges in their lives. Needs were met for learning and support. Still, I have been aware -- and never moreso than in the tension that arose last week -- that empathy is still a skill that could use developing.

But how to teach it? It is my perception that empathy is a topic more spoken of than taught in the practical sense. Discussed at length -- the importance of, what it is not, what it might be.... But how to practice and coach it? This, I think, is the piece largely missing from my experience in learning. The very backbone of our practice is somehow in a place to delicate to reach with novice stumblings. How is brain surgery taught?

The native experience will hinge the next phase of my learning about teaching. Last night, we spent hours in determination of group intentions and clarity around how I might support them -- would they be willing to be coached only by me rather than by each other until we decide as a group otherwise? To question me around my coaching choices rather than each other? Are they willing to focus their empathy words on feelings and need language to support their vocabulary growth in these areas and their ability to listen "in giraffe?" So much clarity I sought, and they probably wondered why.

This is a turning point in my teaching. I want so much for parents to have the support they long for and our classes have given that, largely by my own modeling. I have taught them "to yearn for the vast and endless sea." Here, I see this work mirrored in my parenting. I have modeled for years this process, and I am content with the place it takes me in my heart in times of conflict within our family.

At the same time, in both the parenting group and my family, I am aware that in order for the participants to effectively hold each other (which they are now keen to do!), they would be supported by developing more skills. That will take work on their part. An agreement to be vulnerable with each other as they both give and receive empathy. Discomfort in pushing the envelope. Less ease. A constant building and leaning into the trust of our community. This shift in needs addressed within our group ultimately fueled my sense of urgency around clarity of entrustment and intent. I do not wish to take on this piece of work together as a group without their consent and support.

And now, we have it! I am ever-grateful for the push from spirit to stretch and grow to the next level, for the openness of our group (and my children, who have made this request, too, on another front) to delve into a deeper exploration of this process supporting our hearts toward compassion. I am feeling challenged by and excited about the work before us, and I do believe that given time, we will not only build a ship, but set sail in it together.