Several times in the last week, I have heard from many voicing a single dilemma: how do we join into a song of connection when we notice that someone is moving forward with a project or activity that we suddenly want to inform so it can meet our needs as well?
On an interpersonal level, this is the "no" from a child or other intimate in my life. "No, I don't want to do what you asked me to do. I want to do my own thing." Where does this leave me?
On a community level, this is a project that has been long in the thoughtful birthing but taken to action by an individual who felt ready to begin. And now they have begun, isn't it their own project now? Where is there room for the rest of our community who may want to co-create in that space?
I know that there are infinite other manifestations of this awkward dilemma -- the yes within the no. It is archetypally significant in what it offers us personally and as a culture in its invitation to consider all needs while peace-making. This is cutting edge stuff.
If I hear only the "no" from my child without also listening to the needs my child is meeting by responding to my request in this way, then the live circuit between us is essentially shut off. I can no longer support my child in meeting his needs, nor can I receive his support in meeting mine. My energy turns inward to nurse the pain from that disconnect, and it will be some time before I am available to open myself to other possibilities to meet those needs.
If I hear my neighbor saying,"I will do the project this way because it meets my needs to do so," and I assume that my needs and our community's needs are no longer a consideration to them, then we are both left in isolation to determine our separate ways and means to support only ourselves. (Hmmm... political "parties?")
We are not meant to work alone.
Experientially, the greatest gift I have received from my bees is to watch and touch the fruit of their labor in all aspects, to take in the tightly woven web of the hive in community as a single entity. When one is highly alarmed, many rush from opposite quarters to sting. The queen is only a slave to the workers enslaved to her, and all are free, indentured servants by choice to the hive.
And this, perhaps, is what is most difficult to integrate: our free will with the will of others or the group. Joining becomes a letting go of our individual fears rooted in scarcity as we embrace the limitless possibilities available to us, assuming that our needs will be held in community. Our willingness to hear the yes in the no requires a trust that we can sing our truths into the choir again and again, the song ulitimately making room for incremental shifts in harmony, rhythm, and tune.
We are at a critical juncture in our time here on earth. If we cannot find that instinct within us to sing with each other, even after a "no" shifts the music, then we are in danger of ending the song altogether. We, as a culture, have come to think for ourselves, do for ourselves, acquire for ourselves, alone.
If we are to survive as a whole, it is because our resources and our power grows exponentially as we come together. The investment of our energy into independence is lost unless we also develop our capacity and willingness to sing with others, taking their needs in to hold as preciously as our own, turning a deaf ear to perceived separation.
Come. It is our moment to sing together.
Calendar and Current Events
13 years ago
1 comment:
K,
This raises some interesting questions in my mind. I have often been encouraged to join groups. A girl once educated me when I was fourteen when I asked her, "why do you want me in your group when you don't even like me?"
She answered with the truth: "because you'll do all the work and we'll get good grades
for it."
There is much, much written about the phrase: "from each according to his ability to each according to his needs." In a group interaction, unless people are fairly enlightened, you very often get situations where the people with the most to contribute are the ones in service to the lowest common denominator. More often, those who get their needs met are those who are good at manipulating others to do so.
My beef with NVC is not so much the needs met thing, which works very well if handled by someone enlightened (like you, sweetie). But so often the meeting needs is a bare excuse for "you have something that can make me better, you'd better give it to me or I'll cry."
I grew up with people who, quite frankly, told me that the only reason that I was tolerated was because I could fix the starship when it broke down. When they did not need the ship fixed, it was very important to kick people like me so we wouldn't get big heads and start demanding more from the group.
I have found, to this day, that no one on a project wants to hear how to do the job better or to make it work: they want it done their way. Often in women's groups, everyone is allowed their say first and there is often a consideration or a trial of doing something that is supported by members of the group, yet, for some, this is a violation of the push for status and to cave into another's suggestions is to raise them up in the hierarchy and to denigrate yourself through the admission that it can work.
So, in compensation for that, the useful solution can be used, but only if the person offering can be punished enough to have their status pushed back down. You may want to take this into consideration in the interactions with people in this order:
1. They fear group interaction as a way to be enlsaved.
2. They fear group interaction as a way to be punished.
3. They fear group interaction as a way to beat up their own ideas in order to support those of others.
4. They fear group interaction as a waste of time with no compensation in return.
5. They fear the draining effects of introversion where group interaction is extremely difficult and will sap them for the rest of the day.
I have yet to see, in all my years on this planet, someone lauded for knowing more than others or having a solution to a problem.
I interact with people myself, only for the opportunity to serve them and enjoy their happiness in our interaction. I do have plenty of needs that are met in human contact, but they are about even with the cost exacted and it is a balancing act to make that work.
NVC works, I've seen it work, but you do not take into consideration the magic that is you, K, dear. I'm not sure you could make anything work, but you and the power of NVC are a great combo.
I hate to sound negative here. As usual, I am protecting those people I have known who have been extremely abused by the "from ability to needs" formula. Often, the only solution for them is isolation.
So, it is a tangle, and seeing that tangle is a sign that you are sincerely working on this problem.
Well, I've blabbed enough. Just concerned.
hugs,
me
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