"You know, I just want to celebrate the joy I feel in witnessing the very rich lives we lead. We have a lot of fun, and I also cherish the opportunity to grow in the times we have conflict," I said.
"I think that having conflicts seems more realistic," said Sam, age five. Realistic -- is that a synonym for Alive?
"Yeah," said Trinidad, age eight. "It's really great that when we have conflicts, we just work them out and go on. [I think he was thinking of a very emotional, nearly (?) violent moment between him and his brother hours before that they appeared to recover from completely within fifteen minutes.] It's not like in a movie when everything changes because of a conflict."
This gave me pause. Trinidad had named a piece that I think is critical in supporting childrens' emotional development and presentfuture peacemaking. I have long watched our neighborhood youth run in packs, squabble, and work through their challenges by a great variety of means including retreat, pursuing reconnection, self-connection, and seeking support. I have seen them look to their own and others' needs without attachment to their personal responsibility (in a sense of blame and shame) in "making it right," and still they move on in connection at the turning of tides. I have seen children in groups dive into both their challenges and their play with a full fervored frenzy, then shift as white water turns the bend naturally into deep tracts of calm. I have seen them let go to find peace.
As we adults seize each opportunity to make Right in the world, seek fairness and consideration for all, it is this element of letting go that seems most at risk as we attempt to support "processing" the challenges we see coming up in those young lives we steward. I am not at all saying that these efforts are without value, integrity or even necessity to support safety. I am only naming the dance between recognizing and holding space for sensitivity even as there is also the spaciousness to allow conflict and pain to move through without our own understanding keeping pace. It can be most challenging to let go the pain the we perceived to have happened as we make room for the autonomy of our children, trusting that their work is their own even if some piece goes yet unprocessed.
It is another effort to let go in the trust of love.
Calendar and Current Events
13 years ago
1 comment:
Hi K-girl!
I understand from talking to my only child friends that when they enter into conflict, they end the relationship. People from sibling households are much more flexible, rolling with conflict and forgiving.
I also understand that team sports is a way for boys to learn how to conflict without killing each other.
I wonder if we learn tolerance and "how to fight" if we, as children, are in relationships that cannot end (such as with siblings or in small, close environments like a neighborhood or village) if this is where we learn that conflict is just what it is, a moment of disagreement.
Sam is certainly going to have a good idea of how to handle conflict having a brother like Trin! Well, Trin, too. They are both going to wise adults. But one has to wonder how wise we all could have been with a little more encouragement.
Many Asian communities have a "hands off" policy with kids, saying that they have to learn how to get along among their peers and not go running to an adult to intervene.
Maybe "how to fight" should be part of early childhood education? Maybe late childhood education, too, after the hormones mess everything up! Men who had sisters are way better at dealing with the ups and downs of their wives.
Well, my two cents. As always, fascinating blogs!
Hey girl, I got the invitations for the boys' blogs, but I have to do all this funky registration which makes me a target for junk mail. Any way around that? Maybe Seda, queen of all things tech, knows.
hugs and hugs,
me
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