I wake up and study voice and guitar until my fingers and throat are feeling worn. I'm fighting a cold again. This music thing is a marathon before me, and I only just got the shoes. Beginner mind is supposed to be refreshing and insightful, I think. But my mind is preoccupied with mourning. I write to a friend and tell her all the things I think of doing in my weakest moment, which is now. I feel better having said them.
"I can't think of what to write next in this story!" Sam shouts. "I just can't."
"Sit with it," I tell him. "It's Spirit coming through you. Just quiet your mind, open and relax. It's all there." I wonder why I can't open and quiet like this in my moments of despair. I think I might be peeking through some sort of tear in the fabric now, because I do hear my words and wonder at them. I am not alone in the struggle because we are all trying to sit with what is while what's next rolls in. So much uncertainty.
I suddenly cry hard in the kitchen and both boys come to comfort me. I miss my Mom. It's Christmas without her. I sob and sob. Trinidad tells me in his young man voice to let it through, it's all right. He rubs my back. I see their care for me as a reflection of mine for her and I cry harder. Sam tells me to take my time, everything else can wait. Sit down. I can do nothing else. When I am done, I get us all some chocolate. We agree that it is good.
I am sitting on a chair in the kitchen, wearing an apron and holding my guitar. I am practicing Ode to Joy over and over until I'm not sure I like it anymore. The dog sits at my feet and stares up at me as if I were Jesus. I wonder at her taste in idols. The pressure cooker hisses above my melody.
All of this is inextricable. How can who I am be anything but what I do in this season of my life?
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12 years ago
1 comment:
you're right it is inextricable. so there is no point even in trying to extricate yourself, however painful at times. I am sorry for your loss. I know it very well! I can't say anything except what I've already said: only time will heal this deepest of wounds and it will also always be with you. As you told me way back, that feeling of unconditional love, the love of a mother, it is the ultimate loss. But know you are loved by so many, the boys, Seda, yes, even me. and the DOG for sure. I think she is right you ARE Jesus, the embodiment of universal love. Rosie is usually right! Keep singing it will come. Try to practice guitar for shorter intervals until the callouses come. It's not a marathon. It's a journey. Enjoy your trip and merry holidays from Cayo Hueso....ks
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