The Grand Finale

Setting: Monday of the final week of closing on the Collier's refinance of home pending all final inspections.

Kristin: What?! We can't get the final inspections done this week! We are missing a vent pipe for the composting toilet that is on order. It won't be in until at least next week.

Banker: Oh, no problem. The bank is not going to hold up the loan over a piece of hardware. Just do the best you can and give me a call.

Later....

Electrical Inspector: So are you guys ready to insulate?

Kristin: Insulate? Yeah, that's done, and the sheet rock's up and painted.

EI: Well, there's this memo that says I need to check out some work that didn't pass inspection that is in the walls. This is important stuff. I need to see it.

K: Let's call Seda. (Seda doesn't answer her work phone.)

EI: Do you understand what an important thing this is? I need to see in those walls for you to pass.

K: Well (pointing) is this the memo? With these initials that it's been done?

EI doesn't get it, keeps frowning, calls the office, gets word that the work he's concerned about has been approved since and initialed as K pointed out.
EI: Hmmm. Well, all these outlets will need to be changed out. They aren't to code without the child tamper resistant part integrated on.

K: Oh.

Kristin returns and buys 22 new outlets (how can Home Depot sell this stuff?), and various other required parts, some of them apparently impossible to retrieve, but acquired in the seedier districts of Eugene where they sell "Gorilla Nuts -- torque me!" Seda returns home from work feverish and coughing, Kristin bursts into tears trying to get supper on the table, and Ben offers to reschedule his evening in order to install outlets with Seda. At 10 p.m. all electrical is complete, but K is not done crying. The loan, it seems will never come, there is not enough money to pay next months mortgage without the refi, lost waterbottles and keys will never turn up, dinner is burnt, and Seda may never get her vagina. All, it seems to K, is likely lost.

Tuesday.Final, Plumbing and Mechanical Inspector-in-one: It looks like you need a back-flow vaccuum for this hand-held shower unit and a vent pipe for this toilet. Then I can sign you off.

K: Okay.

K calls all local warehouses desperate to find vent piece sooner, but to no avail. She returns to seedy districts for back-flow vacuum piece.

Proprietor (whose breath smells of liquor): Inspector get you on this?

K: Yes.

P: Well, here it is, the piece you need -- $25. Take it off when he leaves, it'll restrict the flow of your shower otherwise. Then you can use it as a fishing weight, get your moneys worth out of it.

K: Thank you.

While in seedy district, K debates and finally surrenders to the urge for serious decadent support: a coconut cream filled chocolate cupcake from Sweet Life. If that broke the bank, there would be no sweeter irony.

---

K(on phone to Banker): What shall we do? Everything is done but the vent pipe. Will the loan be held up?

Banker: Oh, no, it's no problem, as I've said all along. Look, all we need are the final inspections. I'm sure the inspector (K's NOTE: not the lender as aforesaid.) won't hold up the finals for one piece of hardware. You just tell him your situation. I'm sure you're in good stead. Just get those documents signed and over to the title company by tomorrow and we'll get you your check on Friday.

K: And if they won't sign?

Banker: Oh, it's not going to happen. But if it does, you'll lose your interest rate we locked into and we'll have to start the process over again. Let's not do that.

K: Oh.

---

Last day for inspections. Seda has finally taken the day off sick. K answers the door prepared to beg for vent pipe forgiveness from the inspector, but, surprisingly, the inspector is a young man she's never met -- a temporary fill in as all inspectors were booked.

Seda: Did you see the memo?

I: No. What did you do?

S: I put in this vaccuum breaker piece.

I: Is that all?

S: That's all I did.

I: Okay. (Miraculously, he doesn't appear to take notice of the toilet, signs off, and leaves.)

Kristin: But what if he takes it back?

S: We wait and see.



The last inspector arrives and signs off on Mechanical. He casts a backwards glance at the toilet.

I: Well, you're not going to use that toilet without the vent piece, so I'll trust you to put it in.

S: It's nearly arrived.

I: Yeah. (He signs.)

Kristin, who has been hiding with Sam fully under a sleeping bag in the far back bedroom, rejoices at the news. All, it appears is not lost, even if the keys and Seda's vagina have not yet arrived.

After almost four years of living with a variable rate, interest only loan, unsure of their future on 62nd Avenue, the Colliers have a foundational loan and the space to support this uniquely structured family and their urban farm.

Hurray.