I opened my hex pocket tool and searched for the correct size. "Hmm," I said and studiously began dismanteling the bunk bed/desk/dresser combo that I'd just purchased used for my boys. The former owner, a three year old girl, stood behind me shyly chewing on a lock of long brown hair.
"Where's the man?" she asked quietly. The question appeared to be posed hypothetically, and perhaps that is the best way to answer it.
Why did she ask so quietly? Why did she ask at all?
What could I say? "The man? She's home building our new addition." Or, "Why would I need a man?" Or, "Yeah, really, that's what I'd like to know!" There's room for all of the above.
What has feminism offered us but an opportunity to pack our bags fuller? Now, in addition to snack foods, water, a first aid kit, and wallet, I also carry two extensive hand-held tool collections. I am a cross between a Home Ec teacher and a Maintenance Manager. I need a backpack just for my keychain!
About a month ago, I began to seriously question the value of this. I would like to say for the record that I always wanted to be competent enough to service every one of my possessions. I like the self-sustaining independence of this working knowledge, and (for better and for worse) there is a certain amount of pride connected with this integrity.
When my auto mechanic began to explain the whyfors of my astronomical repair bill due to the location of the glow plugs, I told him that I understood perfectly, having changed them once myself, under the guidance of my father. He was rather taken aback and wondered whether I planned to have a sex change, too.
Hmmm. House of mirrors, isn't it? We are opposed to defining genders by their roles because those definitions are only one story and limit the depth of our humanity in one another's eyes. At the same time, traditional cultural roles contribute to ease in the distribution of labor, and, being a rather buff woman myself, I must say that they also make sense to a certain degree in terms of brute strength needed for particular tasks.
Put a round peg in the round hole.
Sure, there are a million exceptions on both sides of the gender line, if you can find such a line to begin with. But what if we just relaxed a bit about our desires to do or not do the tasks typically allotted to (or resisted by) our apparent genders? What if we take that moment where we might question our appearances and instead celebrate what we can and are naturally drawn to do?
I don't think I can put my stamp on a movement that is for or against the labors we find ourselves intrinsically motivated to do.
I certainly don't want to put anyone out of their work of choice. If you're skilled, sure you can work on my car, build my fence, load my truck, or bake my bread. If you're not or would rather not, I'm content to do it, or learn to do it, myself.
There's this business of opening doors...what do I teach my sons? I have seen women turn a scathing look to the gentleman who held the door for her. She can do it herself! The assumption that women find painful is that the door is being held because they cannot even open a door for themselves.
Hmmm. Might I offer a different perspective? Perhaps we could see the opening of doors as something that we ALL could do to support the ease and well-being of one another. When a door is opened for me (holding this viewpoint), my needs for consideration are met. Women certainly hold the doors for others, but most often children and the elderly.
Ladies, do you ever have a moment when you wish that someone would do for you as you have done for so many others in a day? I wonder why we decline the opportunity to receive.
What disturbs me most about the feminist movement in general is that we guard ourselves against giving or receiving based on feminist laws that may not be our own. In writing this, I find that I'm afraid to express myself so transparently because I am somehow "not knowledgeable enough" to debate a movement that has shaped my experience of growing into a woman. I now offer my respects to those who have formed the debate and still modestly disagree enough to carve my own path. I cannot speak to any particular branch or publication that I might rail for or against. I can only speak to my impressions from the realpolitik of living with this engendered confusion.
My impression of the feminist movement is that it is full of "shoulds." We should do this, and we shouldn't do that. Hence, my three-year-old voyeur asked quietly where the man was. She knew that she "shouldn't" ask the question (by what law she knew not, though surely I broach it now), but I imagine that something in her was profoundly curious about why I chose not to seek such support.
Can we just do what we feel moved to do and talk about that when the urge arises?
Ask out loud.
Calendar and Current Events
12 years ago
1 comment:
Hi girl,
Having grown up in a world where women were not smart enough to do math or fix cars, but growing up with independent people who had to do these things (male and female) I just figured that the questions were up in the air. I went from a very independent Irish household where women were just as bossy (and competent) as the men to a largely Latino population where a woman was still compromised by being alone with a man.
Hm. While I enjoyed the elaborate politeness of the Latino community, I was always headstrong and did what I thought I had to do regardless of whether it was approved or not. That's Irish blue collar.
But I'm also not strong enough to use most "man's tools" and my gripe that people who know me can quote is "yet another thing made by a man to be used by a man!" While I don't want pink screwdrivers, I get chided for not putting on jar lids tight enough or not wanting to buy a futon that's too big for me to move. But I'll work all day in the garden digging up rocks, but not as fast as a strong person can.
As for the door thing, I've noticed that it's a sex thing these days, a way for a man to say, "I find women like you attractive." What they want in return is the smile. That's all right by me, easier to deal with than the dudes who will run you down to get through the door first, "outta my way, you old bag!"
In my experience, I prefer the elaborate rituals of considerate politeness. I enjoy the language that says, "if your honor would do this humble fool the favor of making himself comfortable...". Why? Because we are getting more crowded and consideration is a way to deal with crowd stress. The other way is to push, push, push and that leaves a person drained and angry.
I think that there can be rituals between the sexes to show consideration, but there is more need to show consideration to the old ones. They, too, can't use the man's tools made for a man to be used by a (young and strong) man. Many of them can't push open the doors that don't bother the young, men or women.
And kids, too. You see them struggling with doors and hammers.
Maybe we need to rethink feminism and think about the right tool for the right sized hand. Or the right occupation for the right minded person. I'm no good with cars--I hate them--but I'm good with fiddly things like printers and copiers and delicate machines. I can bake a mean loaf, but I'm no good at washing dishes. In our house, I'm the official trash and composter, where the man of the house washes dishes. I also won't vacuum. Hate the noise. He kills the palmetto bugs, but he's terrified of spiders.
I think the problem with feminism and gender is that it's a group thing. Person by person, there is no such group.
My son won't even get into a car, but my dad took them apart all over the driveway. I'm sure that your sons will remember you, not as fem or butch but as competent--that's way better. Sew on a button and then fix the car. Why not?
But what a funny question that little girl asked. "Where's the man?" Maybe she's from a family where there are no women and wanted to know where your parent was?
Hah! But what I wanted to say to all the guys who growled "feminist" at me was, "don't confuse stubborn independence with feminism."
Interesting posts, especially in tandem with Dame Seda's search for the eternal Fem.
hugs
me
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